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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27564169">Hurricane</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Eclectic_Reader23/pseuds/The_Eclectic_Reader23'>The_Eclectic_Reader23</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Battle with untreated depression, F/M, Suicide Attempt, World is an oblivious audience when it comes to hiding what hurts the most, cliffhanger ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:49:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27564169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Eclectic_Reader23/pseuds/The_Eclectic_Reader23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Story of a person trying not to admit she has a problem.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Loki/Original Female Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hurricane</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Won't open my eyes</em>
</p>
<p>She spreads her arms wide. The wind breeze brushes her skin and flees through her silky hair. She smiles, for a moment, but it's a faint smile.</p>
<p>It's ironic. How in the final moments of her apocalypse she gets a chance to taste a normal life. To fully see the beauty of a nature when she's about to let go. The nature is mocking her. It's mocking her for being too weak when she needs to be strong; feeling too shallow when she should cherish what she has. And who she has.</p>
<p>Loki.</p>
<p>The love of her life. But even he couldn't keep her from sinking in too deep.</p>
<p>
  <em>I will not look as I'm falling down </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes she lays in their bed at night, fully awake, thinking her lungs should burn out; then she could fall asleep and never wake up. Darkness would swallow her up and whole, and there would be no pain ever again, no ache to wear her out till the rest of her numbered days. For the time, in the stillness of night, Loki sleeps next to her. His stomach always against her tense back, one hand over her arm intertwined with her cold fingers. His breathing is somehow calm, even if he is the one out of them who had suffered greater damage and who should crumble under demons of his past. But he is the one standing while she is breaking down for no apparent reason.</p>
<p>A tear falls down her cheek as the urge, the darkest thought, creeps in her mind.</p>
<p><em>Jump</em>, says the thought seven times.</p>
<p>She tried closing her eyes. She couldn’t send the thought away; it has been carved in her soul for a long time, she doesn’t even remember when it first occurred to her. Maybe it was just the poor reasoning, or the feelings she couldn’t shake off, and now she will not. She will not exist anymore, she will not breathe the oxygen anymore. She will not feel Loki’s arms around her anymore.</p>
<p><em>I’m selfish</em>, she thinks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>Jump, jump, jump</em>, says the thought seven more times. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>People are running around her, always in a rush for something better, running to take care of their lives and their own matters. That’s okay, that’s how it should be; she only wishes she could stop feeling like the world’s circling all around her point of view, which is so lonely.</p>
<p>You can't know who is falling out of the picture. Who is losing it. The grip on the reality that crushes slightly, but completely, as shards of glass on your fingertips. You can't know who is giving up if they hide it pretty well behind a smile. The porcelain smile she's been perfecting for awhile now.</p>
<p class="western">She even fooled Loki, the god of mischief himself. She dared to look him in the eyes every morning, he would open up his blue ones only to bore into her own, and there he would see a heaven for himself. A refuge in the times of turmoil. That’s who she is to him; a safe shore where he can hide and confide to, seeking solitude in the embrace of a nice lover when he doesn’t want the outside world to hurt him some more. She loves being that important to him, to anyone; but there hasn’t passed a day when she didn’t think of letting go.</p>
<p class="western">Her feelings are carefully crafted and shoved into a box at the bottom of her heart. Nobody can see it, nobody can touch it. Nobody in this world either knows it exist. Her sorrow is not to be shared, as she cannot let herself speak of it, for it might be too much to handle for others around. Not to mention her fear of demise if somebody found out her little dark secret.</p>
<p class="western">She continues smiling at her lover, smiling at her colleagues and going through the day with a black mist following behind her figure. All of it, and Loki’s sweet words whispered in her ear every night, can’t get her out of the death her soul has caused.</p>
<p class="western">
  <em>Love can’t save me now</em>
</p>
<p class="western"> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p class="western">Depression isn't always utter sadness. Frequently it comes as anger too. Lashing out.</p>
<p class="western">There were times, rare in itself, but still present, still a part of their relationship, when she would just get in a fight with him.</p>
<p class="western">“I don’t love myself, Loki!” she screams with puffed red eyes and tears gone dry.</p>
<p class="western">He stares at her in a long pause. His mouth open a few times, but every time he tries to say something, any little possible thing, he loses the confidence and the words are not spoken out. If only they were, maybe it could change anything, twist something in the pit of her stomach or her dizzy head or her disrupted heart. But the words are not coming out of his mouth and her lungs lose the remaining air.</p>
<p class="western">“How can you not love yourself when I love you?” he says and cannot quite believe it.</p>
<p class="western">“I would prefer it if you hated me,” she cries ugly tears. The sight leaves her lover heartbroken. “It would make all of it much easier.”</p>
<p class="western">“Easier? Easier for what?”</p>
<p class="western">She waves her head and sits on her side of the bed. He kneels down. In silence his eyes beg her to tell him what is wrong.</p>
<p class="western">“Darling, whatever it may be that crushes your soul, please, tell me. It scares me to see you this way,” Loki whispers.</p>
<p class="western">She looks at him. A sole tear falls from her eye and he strokes it away with a touch of his finger. She breathes in the action; it’s so familiar, hitting so close to home that it only causes her to ache even more badly and she cannot tell him. What will he think of her if she says her feelings hurt every day? Would he look upon the broken creature when he barely fixed himself?</p>
<p class="western">“I… am… fine,” she manages to say out. She can see, Loki is definitely not relieved.</p>
<p class="western">“You don’t sound so fine,” he retorts. Softly, he brushes her skin and gives her a warm smile. Partly, he expects her to lean into his touch, as she always does, but it doesn’t happen. However, she returns a smile back. His history of lies alarmed him of her strangest behaviour in past months, but he decides to trust her on this one. Maybe she is just tired, considering the amount of work she busies herself with, or maybe she just needs a time to connect with her inner energy again. Maybe she is a bit burned out. Surely, she is in need of a good rest.</p>
<p class="western">“Care to tell me what’s on your mind, bothering you?” he nudges her nose playfully.</p>
<p class="western">She chuckles lowly. “It’s not… it’s not of matter, Loki. Really. It’s… I just want to sleep.” <em>Forever. </em>“That’s all I need. Sleep.”</p>
<p class="western">“I’ll give you the time to rest, darling,” he says happily, reminding himself her previous outburst to be only a reaction due to lack of energy. He stands up. “I’d like to rest beside you too. But I am called in for a meeting I am not allowed to miss on. No matter how much delight it’d bring me.”</p>
<p class="western">He waits for a laugh, a smirk, whatever. She always laughs at his mischievous ways when it comes to avoiding responsibilities he didn’t agree to in first place.</p>
<p class="western">But she doesn’t give him anything. She doesn’t even look at him, as she is already laying down, her back turned to him. He hopes there’s nothing worse at play. His hand stays in the heavy air between them. He knows not how to cure what’s troubling her and making her blind to him.</p>
<p class="western">Loki leaves the room. To her, it seems like his footsteps didn’t hesitate.</p>
<p class="western">He’ll be good to let her go.</p>
<p class="western">He’ll live without her.</p>
<p class="western">Even if he will never have his answer back.</p>
<p class="western"> </p>
<p class="western"><em>It’s this hurricane in my head</em>, she screams in the pillow the words her brain visualizes. These words are the answer and the explanation, the mix between understanding and agony. <em>It’s clutching my heart. I feel that much torn apart. </em></p>
<p class="western"> </p>
<hr/>
<p class="western"> </p>
<p class="western">
  <em>I won’t open my eyes. I’m afraid to. </em>
</p>
<p class="western">She will jump. That decision was made, not only because of another fight she had with Loki. When she told him there is a hidden hatred of self inside, and his reaction was a plain disbelief and shock he couldn’t hide from her. He could never. She knows he always depicted her as a strong rock, someone far from breakable.</p>
<p class="western">She left him a letter. Just to him, nobody else. It’s an apology letter more than a goodbye one. She tried to explain, but there wasn’t a lot she could say.</p>
<p class="western">There was one word she wrote down: <em>Hurricane</em>. And next to it: <em>It’s too much for me, Loki. </em></p>
<p class="western">Wind goes through her hair once again. She feels the slight nudge it gives her, encouraging her to dive deep down into the darkness. Soon enough, and it will end, this whole year, this whole life will be nothing but a feather of the bird which didn't find its place. </p>
<p><em>Jump, jump</em>, says the thought. </p>
<p>Sometimes, sometimes it can be too late. </p>
<p>
  <em>Love, can't, save, me, now. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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